


The Devil's Aphrodisiacs

by AhaMarimbas



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Chef Draco Malfoy, Geoducks, H/D Food Fair 2018, Harry Potter Epilogue What Epilogue | EWE, M/M, Parental Draco Malfoy, Parental Harry Potter, Post-Hogwarts, Romance
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-10-04
Updated: 2018-10-04
Packaged: 2019-06-08 04:44:23
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,097
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15235608
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/AhaMarimbas/pseuds/AhaMarimbas
Summary: Teddy learns a new word, Harry breaks his favourite coffee mug and Draco loves his little family. Not necessarily in that order.Or, Squirt squirt squirt squirt. Squirtsquirtsquirtsquirtsquirtsquirtsquirt. Squirt??? SQUIRT!!!!!





	The Devil's Aphrodisiacs

**Author's Note:**

> For Prompt #[128](https://docs.google.com/document/d/1E_uQJlIb5C6nLnMg8VrUUnrKtyx16is1FLbyvoxLEik/edit).
> 
> A huge thank you to M for the amazing beta and support!
> 
> If you don't know what a squirting geoduck is, you might want to check it out at [this link](https://www.seriouseats.com/images/2015/05/05062105-tomky-geoduck-adult.jpg) before reading.

The room had that telltale glow to it, fading in through the grey curtains. Still half asleep, he could make out the sound of a single bird chirping outside the window. Harry had a love-hate relationship with daybreak. It was a beautiful, peaceful time, but also one of loss for him.

“No, don’t go,” he whispered as he reached out sleepily and grabbed a milky white arm. Draco chuckled softly, and  even with his eyes closed Harry could tell Draco was smiling down at him . 

“Love, it’s been over a year. One would think you’d be used to this by now. Go back to sleep, I’ll see you at breakfast.” Draco leaned over and paused for a moment, before pushing Harry’s fringe off his forehead and kissing the now-faded scar. Harry hummed happily and settled back into the pillows, pulling his arm back and wrapping it around Teddy instead. The little bugger had climbed into their bed again last night after a nightmare and was bound to wake Harry up soon enough. Smiling at his small family, Draco gathered up his clothes and slipped into the bathroom.

\------

Harry could have sworn it had been less than a minute since Draco had woken up to get ready for the day, and slipped out of his reach again. He sighed as he remembered the first time Draco had woken up at the crack of dawn for his work. Harry had thought that he was trying to slip out after a night of amazing sex, and had been ready to pitch a fit worthy of a 5-year-old when Draco had explained that he was going to work. Draco was a celebrity chef, known for his ridiculous recipes and stunning looks. When Luna and Hermione had introduced television to the wizarding world, they had enlisted Draco to host their cooking show,  _ The Devil’s Aphrodisiacs _ . Twice a week Draco went on air to teach the wizarding world about various aphrodisiacs and how to cook them. While filming usually happened in the afternoon, Draco always insisted on the best ingredients. Unfortunately, that meant getting to the farmers’ market the moment it opened.

Of course, getting the best ingredients from the farmers’ market usually inspired Draco to prepare some pretty incredible breakfasts as soon as he got back. Harry could smell fresh waffles even as he tried to ignore Teddy’s demands that he wake up this instant, and his stomach growled.

“Haaweeeee!!!” Teddy laughed, poking at his belly. Harry chuckled and grabbed the toddler, tickling him back. Teddy squealed in delight.

“Good morning, Teddy,” Harry mumbled as he set his godson down and sat up. He reached for his glasses, and felt his heart melt at the sight of Teddy’s bright turquoise hair and even brighter smile.

“Hawee, I’m HUNGWEE!” he exclaimed, pulling up his nightshirt and pointing at his belly button.

“Me too, kiddo,” Harry replied seriously. Molly had told him that it was important to talk to young children normally, rather than making “baby talk,” to help them develop their speech. “It smells like Draco’s making some delicious waffles for us.”

“DWACO!” Teddy cried, flapping his arms wildly.

“Are you an owl, mister?” Harry laughed.

Teddy nodded. “Hoot hoot! I’m Teddy owl!”

Harry threw on a sweater before grabbing Teddy by the waist and carrying him in outstretched arms, as Teddy flapped and hooted, down three flights of stairs into the kitchen. Draco was sitting at the table reading the  _ Daily Prophet _ and sipping a cup of coffee. Spread across the large oak table were beautiful golden waffles, along with an assortment of bright fruits, and what looked like fresh whipped cream. Harry’s mouth watered as he sat Teddy down in his booster seat. Teddy continued to hoot and flap as Harry cut up a waffle and some strawberries for him.

“And what do we have here?” Draco asked, putting the paper down and peering at Teddy over his glasses. Teddy giggled and then hooted again.

“I’m Teddy owl!” he announced happily, flapping a piece of waffle at Draco. He stuffed it in his mouth, chewed twice, and then opened his mouth to reveal mushed up waffle.

“Oouf Oouf!”

“Charming.” Draco sighed, shaking his head fondly at his little cousin.

“We don’t speak with our mouth full, Mr. Owl,” Harry reminded Teddy, who instantly closed his mouth again. Satisfied, Harry turned to grab his favourite coffee mug from beside the sink. The morning would have continued in relative peace if Harry hadn’t made the mistake of actually looking into the sink. Draco would later tell him that he screamed like the witch from that soap opera they liked to watch together, and he would swear for the rest of his life that his mug was never quite right after he had to  _ reparo _ it. Teddy paused with a slice of strawberry halfway to his mouth, and Draco chuckled as Harry stared into the sink with a look of abject horror on his face. He turned, wide eyed, towards Draco.

“Yes, Harry?” Draco asked innocently, raising an eyebrow.

“Draco, love... why are there dicks in our sink?” Harry asked worriedly. Draco burst out laughing.

“They’re called Squirting Geoducks,” he said once he caught his breath.

“Squirt- what?” Harry asked faintly. Draco got up to join him just as Teddy mumbled, “squirt!” and then giggled. “Squirt squirt!” He continued to babble, squeezing his strawberry slice. Ignoring his cousin for the moment, Draco joined Harry at the sink and wrapped an arm around his waist.

“Geoducks. I had to portkey out to the west coast of Canada to get a hold of them. It took me four portkey jumps; I don’t know why they insist on their country being so huge.”

“You went to Canada? This morning?”

Draco sighed dramatically. “The things I do for my craft. Oh to be famous... It’s a burden you’ll never understand, my dear Harry.”

Harry snorted before turning back to the sink. “You still haven’t told me why there are gooey ducks in our sink. Who even comes up with a name like that? They look nothing like ducks- oh Merlin are they wiggling?!”

“They’re molluscs, spelled G-E-O-D-U-C-K-S. They’re for tonight’s special episode,” Draco said lightly. Harry raised an eyebrow.

“These are supposed to be aphrodisiacs?” he asked incredulously.

“Your first thought when you saw them was that they were wiggling dicks. What could possibly turn you on more than that?” Harry had to admit he had a point. Just then, Teddy started fussing. Draco vanished the mess from his tray and lifted the gurgling toddler out of his chair. As soon as Draco set him down, Teddy waddled out of the kitchen happily chanting, “Squirtsquirtsquirtsquirtsquirtsquirtsquirt.”

Harry watched him go, checking that Kreacher would keep an eye on him, before sliding up to Draco and embracing him from behind.

“So,” Harry purred in a seductive voice. He ghosted his hands lightly along Draco’s waist and was rewarded with a little shiver. “What makes squirting geoducks different from normal geoducks? I know it’s you who makes my geoduck squirt.” 

Draco chuckled and pulled out of Harry’s grasp as he moved towards the table and started putting together two plates. “Your flirting is rusty, Harry.” 

“And yet you’ve been living with me for over a year now.” Harry pointed out. “I always knew you only wanted me for my geoduck. Though it seems now I’ll need an upgrade, eh?”

Draco turned around and groaned. Harry had moved back to the sink and was now levitating what looked like the largest of the geoducks in front of his groin. He was also sporting the world’s biggest shit-eating grin.

“Harry, put that back, they cost me 70 galleons each,” Draco scolded, though he couldn’t help grinning as well.

“Wow, this really is a special episode isn’t it?” Harry asked, putting the geoduck back and joining Draco at the table. “You went to practically the other end of the world for these, and paid almost 300 galleons to boot, seeing as you apparently needed 4 of them.”

Draco nodded. “We’ve been wanting to do geoducks for a while now, and Luna thought today’s episode would be perfect.”

“What’s so special about today? Are you having a guest?” Draco often invited celebrity guests to join him for his show. Harry was especially jealous of Oliver Wood, who had been invited for the chocolate episode.

“Well, we’d like to…” Draco said hesitantly.

“What do you mean you’d like to? Hasn’t your guest been confirmed?”

“Umm, well I actually wanted to ask you if you’d be willing?” Draco asked. Harry noticed him pushing his food around his plate and wondered why he was so nervous. He reached out and took Draco’s hand in his.

“Draco, I’d love to be on your show. Why did you wait so long to ask me?”

“The saviour of the wizarding world is a little busy?” Draco tried.

Harry snorted. “These days I’m more famous for being the house-husband of a certain celebrity chef.”

Draco looked up nervously. “Except we’re not married...” he pointed out.

Harry shrugged. “We may as well be at this point, but I really was just using that as a figure of speech. My point being, why didn’t you want to ask me earlier?”

“I… I guess I was nervous,” Draco mumbled, putting his fork down and reaching for his coffee mug.

“Nervous about what?”

“Umm… nothing really, I just wasn’t sure if you would want to eat geoducks.” He picked up his fork again.

Harry couldn’t help it. “Babe, I love the taste of your geoduck in my mouth,” he said with a sultry wink.

Draco blushed.  “Please don’t make comments like that on the show.” He groaned. Suddenly he looked thoughtful. “Or actually, please do, ratings will skyrocket.”

Just then, Teddy toddled back into the kitchen. They both looked at him.

“Squirt?” he asked, looking up at his godfather and his cousin. They looked at each other before looking back at him.

“SQUIRT!” they all cried in unison, before bursting into laughter.

\------

Harry pulled at his collar nervously as he looked around the backstage waiting area. Draco had insisted that he wear formal robes tonight, despite the fact that most of his guests often wore a shirt or jumper with trousers. He waved at Teddy, who was stacking blocks in the far corner with Ron, and then turned back to the stage where Draco was just starting the show. Belatedly, Harry realized that the opening credits were being played by live musicians instead of the usual soundtrack blaring through the magical speaker system. He watched Draco walk up to his usual spot behind a marble countertop and wave at the cheering crowd.

“Ladies and gentlemen, welcome back to another episode of  _ The Devil’s Aphrodisiacs _ ! As always, I’m your host, Draco Malfoy.

Tonight, we’re going to cook with a very special ingredient for a very special person.”

He waved his wand and levitated a tray with the geoducks onto the counter in front of him.

“Allow me to introduce you to tonight’s aphrodisiac, the Squirting Geoduck.” From next to Harry, Luna raised her wand and conjured the correct spelling in neon writing over Draco’s head.

“These molluscs are native to the pacific northwest.” Draco continued, “They’re a pain to get a hold of, but once you do, you’re in for a treat! We have a few different recipes to show you today- you can pan-fry this rare meat, serve it on a sushi platter, or even boil it in a soup. It’s got a sweet, crisp taste, but don’t take my word for it. Without further ado, I’d like to introduce you to our next guest, who happens to be my best friend and favourite hero. Although to be fair, he really needs no introduction. Ladies and gentlemen, put your hands together for the great Harry Potter!”

As the crowd went wild, Harry was struck with a sudden inspiration. He pulled out his wand and conjured a bouquet of roses before stepping out onto the stage and walking up to the counter. He waved out at the crowd before offering the bouquet to Draco, who blushed. As he leaned forward to take the bouquet, Draco couldn’t help planting a quick kiss on Harry’s lips. The crowd “Awwwn’d” in unison before resuming their seats and settling down.

“Welcome Harry, and thank you for the beautiful flowers,” Draco said, as with a wave of his wand the flowers flew into a pitcher of water standing near the sink.

“Well, you’re making me for dinner, I figured the least I could do was bring gifts,” Harry said with a wink.

“In that case, let’s get started. Now, the first step to making any dish using geoducks is to prep them.”

Draco smiled before levitating over a pot of steaming water and a large bowl full of ice water. The steam wafted past Harry as Draco picked up the first geoduck.

“Is it just me or is it starting to get a little steamy in here?” Harry quipped. The crowd laughed as Draco rolled his eyes before dropping the geoduck into the steaming pot.

“It had better be, since the first step is to dunk the geoduck briefly into boiling water. ” He stirred the geoduck around for about 30 seconds before levitating it out and into the ice water. He then lifted it onto his cutting board.

“This opens up the shell, which I’m just going to yank off, like so.” He pried apart the cream-coloured shell and tossed it back into the bowl of ice water, before returning to the long length left on his board.

“That looks familiar...” Harry pointed out with another wink. The crowd roared with laughter as Draco’s face turned red. He picked up a large knife before grinning at Harry.

“Is that really the connection you want to make?” he asked, before slicing the bulbous portion off of the longer end. The crowd continued to laugh as Harry’s eyes widened and he let out an exaggerated gasp. Draco chuckled as he pointed out the parts of the geoduck.

“This here,” he said, indicating the long end, “is the neck, or the siphon. It’s thanks to this part that we call this the  _ squirting  _ geoduck. While the body is buried under the sand, the neck reaches right out to the surface, and squirts jets of water out onto the beach.”

“What beach is this, and why didn’t you take me?” Harry teased.

“This part,” he ignored Harry, pointing at the other half, “is called the mantle, or the breast. I’m going to pull this little sac of organs out of it, and keep that aside for a soup for later. Right now, we’re going to focus on the siphon.” He picked up the long end, and peeled the skin off in one fluid motion. Harry grabbed it and stuck his finger into it, wiggling it suggestively at the crowd, who predictably enough seemed to love it.

The show continued in much the same way. Draco first prepared sushi, cutting the siphon into thin pieces and arranging them in the clean shells. Harry let up on his teasing a bit and instead asked questions about sushi preparation and the history of the geoduck. Draco had only recently introduced Harry to Japanese cuisine, but it had quickly become one of his favourites and he couldn’t help his curiosity. For a while, they forgot about the crowd, and it felt like any other night where Harry would keep Draco company while he cooked.

Satisfied with his sushi platter, Draco started slicing and breading the mantle. He got Harry to help him out with an entire breading chain before tossing the slices into a sizzling pan.

“This smells delicious!” Harry commented, leaning over the pan and wafting the steam toward himself. “I wonder if it’ll be as good as the geoducks I’ve tasted before,” he said innocently, before turning to wink at the camera. Behind him Draco pretended to bang his head on a spare frying pan, though Harry was pleased to see that his blush was real. There was something immensely satisfying about teasing Draco on national television—he made a mental note to look into this previously-unexplored exhibitionist streak. 

Draco boiled the guts into soup and the crowd roared with laughter as Harry made a few obscene noises.

“Love, do try to remember that this is a family show,” Draco commented as they carried the food over to a small table on the edge of the stage, topped with a candle and a single rose.

“Yes, because Oliver Wood licking chocolate off a spoon is family appropriate,” Harry replied as they sat down. The crowd laughed once more and even Draco cracked a smile.

Harry reached out and snagged a piece of the sashimi — he loved sushi and couldn’t wait to try this new kind. He popped it into his mouth and hummed appreciatively as he chewed.

“That good, eh?” Draco smiled.

“It’s amazing!” Harry exclaimed. “It clearly is an aphrodisiac because I am so in love with you right now.” He reached out for another piece.

“I love you too,” Draco said, as the lights in the studio dimmed, placing the focus on their little table. Before Harry could register what was going on, Draco had gotten down on one knee in front of Harry and pulled out a small velvet box.

“Harry,” he began, brushing a strand of hair off his face, “our relationship has always been tumultuous, but the past year and a half with you has been the best time of my life. You’re always looking out for me and I promise to always have your back as well. You’re my best friend and I can’t imagine my life without you in it. After all the beautiful things you’ve given me, I’ll ask you for one more: your heart. Because you know you’ll always have mine.”

He opened the box to reveal a simple golden band with a single diamond in the center. “Harry, love, will you do me the honour of marrying me?”

Tears in his eyes, Harry joined Draco on the floor. “Of course I will.” He took Draco’s face in his hands, leaned forward, and kissed him. The crowd behind them went wild, but in that moment no one existed but the two of them. They finally broke apart, smiling ear to ear, when Teddy waddled onto the stage toward them.

“Squirt squirt?” he inquired. Harry and Draco laughed as they pulled him in for a hug.

“Yes, buddy, squirt squirt.”

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you so much for reading! All comments are extremely welcome either here or on [Livejournal](https://hd-fan-fair.livejournal.com/143783.html).


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